Who am I?

Having no job, no home, no car, my lovely cat at my brother’s, and no plans for the future can mess with a person’s identity. My purpose in doing this was to build from the inside- but this is a process that has the tendency to start over every day. So if I have a day or two, or more where I don’t focus on tge meditation, the yoga, the “doing things for me” – I can look elsewhere for me. And there IS NOTHING ELSE. I’ve never been one for fashion, so my clothes aren’t me (Not that they would be if I identified with them, but it would be something to cling to), I am not dating, I am not religious, I have no daily schedule, there is nothing that really says “this IS me” except for the LACK of “things.” I do, however, take some refuge in my hair. It’s gotten very long and it touches the backs of my arms, hangs down to my arms as I type this on my iphone, it seems to have gotten more wavy so it just takes up a lot of space. I think of the Buddhist nuns that shave their hair practically off and I realize what a sacrifice that can be. Sometimes my long, ever present hair gives me a lot of comfort and confidence. We cling. It’s what we do. To not do it takes consistant attention, and without that constancy our minds will work twice as fast with twice the effort, as if to make up for lost time, to find something something something to cling to. I am so protective of my bike because it is my only owned transportation. I have elaborate fantasies of buying a car, but only one that can house my bike! I don’t care if it got 15 mpg, gotta hold my bike. I break my bike down and put it in a suitcase to go on the plane or bus. I ride it to the grocery and fold it and put it in the shopping cart. It’s my best friend, this silly bike, and has consderably enhance my quality of life in some of my travel spots. Other places that have no fricking sidewalks or bike lanes are frowned upon by me. “Well, I guess while I’m HERE, I’ll read. That’s great- so much to read!!!” But I always forget that 1- they have 15,000 channels of cable tv for to pass the days like lightening, and 2- I don’t like reading when I HAVE to read, or have nothing to do BUT read. These are the times I like to go OUT the most!!!! Thats the way I create my drama. And how easily I can cling to the drama. So – all this to make the point of how difficult it can be to know who I am when there’s not the people, things, and routine that defined me.
Thanks for listening.

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